“When I log on to Amazon and search for something, I want the results to be ONLY sponsored products” “But how do you know whether they’re good?” “I’ll just buy the first one because they paid the most for that sponsorship” “But the product itself, how can we know you’ll like it” “They have enough money to purchase the number one sponsor slot, the product is obviously good or else how would they have so much money” “Well… what if it used to be good, and now it’s bad? What if there’s a less expensive alternative that is superior?” “What if I have AIDS and I’m going to die tomorrow? What if we’re both secretly gay, and we’ll never be truly happy unless we give in to our repressed passions right this exact moment Just buy me the first phone case I love you”